I Got Caught Cheating (SMH!) - K Matthews

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I hate cheating. I hate songs about cheaters.  - Secret Lovers, As We Lay, any song that has to do with someone indulging in sexual pleasures with someone they ain't got no business laying up with just makes me shake my head in disgust (although I'll admit that musically, Me and Mrs. Jones is a hard one not to like). I am irritated by people who brag about cheating - like it's honorable and they should get some kind of award. As if what they are doing isn't hurting someone somewhere - wreaking emotional havoc on the lives of their families, or maybe just a husband or wife. Cheating is awful. Nothing good ever comes from it.

So it is with great shame that I make this public confession that I've cheated. Yep. I have. Multiple times. Sigh. (SMH at myself). Somehow, some way, I found myself caught up in a nasty, shackling, sordid affair.  It's been an awful, unfulfilling, shameful and damaging experience. But it's nothing that I can't come back from.

Now before you throw rocks and start sharing my confession with all your friends - hear me out. I didn't do the oochie-coochie with some man who was not my husband, (the most compassionate, loving and romantic man in the world) or some woman for those of you who started the whole "Kimberly is now gay" rumor. I cheated on myself. Betrayed myself. Broke my own trust. Yeah. It's sad but true.

I knew better than to give those cookies the time of day. I mean, I already knew they were no good and just full of it (sugars and bad stuff that is). And yes, I knew the same thing about the ice cream and other processed foods. But stupidly, I thought I wouldn't, I couldn't get caught out there dealing with the ramifications that this type of affair brings.

I promised myself that I wouldn't get emotionally connected, and after the first time, I felt guilty and said it would never happen again, but I was only fooling myself. Before I knew it, I was cuddling up watching movies and late-night TV with sugary midnight snacks, instead of embracing the foods that truly loved me and my body. I pretended to find fault with the good stuff, the right stuff (fruits and veggies) -  ignoring, ducking and hiding from them, hoping that they hadn't noticed that I'd come in the grocery store and had made a quick dash around a corner to the aisles where my guilty pleasures called out to me.  Then I'd be scorned and angry when I couldn't find my favorites in the store, wondering why all of a sudden they were missing in action, making me chase them down all around the city. They were probably laid up with some other woman! The nerve!

Last week - I came to my senses when I opened up my cabinet and saw 5, FIVE bags of potato chips. Different varieties, and every single bag opened.  There were plain chips, sour cream and onion chips, chili and cheese chips, cheddar cheese chips, and ridged chips. It didn't matter that I had produce in the fridge. Who was I kidding? The grapes, strawberries, watermelon, tomato, cucumber and a little salad mix that were there had all started to go bad and had to be thrown out.  I tried to paint the picture of a healthy, wholesome and right relationship in the refrigerator, but lurking in the dark shadows of the pantry cabinet was the truth. I was a cheater. NO WONDER my old clothes decided to pack themselves away and leave me!

Busted, there was nothing else I could do but have a long conversation with myself - belly, butt and thighs included. I had to confess, repent and beg myself for forgiveness. I was reminded of how much I really do love real food, and what an incredible and loving relationship we' ve had over the years. Those foods really did do right by me and kept me pleased and satisfied. Some of my absolute favorite meals had been comprised of fresh fruits and vegetables, (Mediterranean Chicken Wraps for example). My straying away had been stupid, foolish and selfish as well as unnecessary.

In my efforts to restore a right relationship, I had to promise to avoid the aisles of the grocery store and shop the perimeters instead, where the REAL food is. I had to promise to eat fresh foods at EVERY meal. No more hot dogs with a side of chips and a glass of Hawaiin Punch as a meal. I had to promise that if I do have a craving for chips, or cookies, or ice cream that I will only buy a single serving - not a large bag, package or box, making it too easy to have some now AND have some more later.

A better choice over sugary processed foods.

Thankfully, with these promises in place, I was willing to give myself another chance. It's going to take some counseling and some work, but I'm going to prove to my body and my clothes that they can once again trust me. I look forward to reconciling with my size eights.

Confession is good for the soul...and the waistline. Need some inspiration? Check out this blog. A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss.


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Happy Fat?

Clay and Kimberly Hooker

As mentioned in an earlier post, I came home one afternoon to find that one of the racks in our bedroom closet had fallen completely off the wall. Of course this meant everything that had been hanging, that now was on the floor, had to be taken out of the closet so that the rack could be repaired. This led to clothes being stacked and spread all over our bed. It wasn't long before Clay, accoustically surrounded by some old school music and equipped with a power drill, screwdriver and other neccessary tools, repaired the fallen rack. It was time to re-hang the clothes.

When Clay and I met three+ years ago, I was a size 8 and could even get into some sixes (depending on how it was made- of course). Today I'm in denial that a size 12 is too snug which means I'm about a size 14, and I'm carrying about 35 more pounds. Needless to say - the clothes that lay on the bed were mostly eights. I couldn't help but sigh and shake my head as I stared at several suits and dresses that I could no longer wear. Insert sad face here because for me, that was nothing to smile about. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I was pregnant in the past year. Well actually I can (those people have been dropped from my friends list! LOL)

Anyway . . . instead of putting these garments back in the closet, I decided to remove them from the hangers, fold them up and donate them to The Samaritian House, an organization that provides shelter for battered women, who'd just happened to drop a donation bag off a few days ago for pick up - coincidently TODAY. While I folded and bagged, with twisted lips I thought to myself - what have I done in the last three years, or two years, or even a year that made it so I could no longer fit my favorite clothes??? I mean, I preferred a salad over any other meal and absolutely LOVE Grandstands Grill's Chicken Greek Salad, and Dino's House Salad with turkey, and Olive Garden's salad, and Chick-Fila's Chick'n Strip Salad, and Panera Bread's Fugi Apple Chicken salad, and even had my own special salad that I frequently prepared and ate. I was a self-proclaimed salad connoisseur! So what in the world!?

As I filled the donation bag - Clay, the same size today as the day I met him, waltzed by me, picking up a few of his suits to return to the closet. He didn't see me but I narrowed my eyes at him. I thought about all the wining and dining he bestowed upon me, and still does. Regular date nights at Carrabba's and Macaroni Grill circled in my head. Afternoons spent right outside of Coldstone's filling our bellies with ice cream also trailed by. I remembered quite a few times waking up to the sound of my doorbell ringing, where he stood holding a Panera Bread bag filled with Spinach-Artichoke Quiches, cheese Danishes, fresh fruit and orange juice, so we could have breakfast together. There were teddy bears holding candy bars just because it was Tuesday, and Sunday night offerings of Pepperidge Farm's Bordeaux cookies - because he knew they were my favorites. Popcorn, Junior Mints and a shared drink at the movies wasn't unusual, and oh let me not forget about our many mini dates to Chick Fila, which we'd sometimes take to the park to enjoy. Then we had our Friday Nights dates, which was when I'd prepare a meal especially for him. Good meals too y'all - that country stuff that we love to concoct when we got a deserving man!

As I drug the full bag into the hallway, I mentioned to Clay:
"Man, I used to look so good in this dress and now I just look ridiculous!"
Clay said, "The wrong person is doing the judging."

I rolled my eyes at him, but you know it made me smile at least a little bit.

Without even realizing it, I'd gone from eating mostly salads to fully enjoying Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice! (Well maybe not so nice, but y'all know what I mean!) Many times, women experience sudden weight gain when they are depressed or emotionally going through - but I got all this (glancing at my belly, hips and thighs) the happy way!

Now with that said - let me put on my Body Magic and get myself to the gym. And it's salad for dinner tonight, for sure!