The Work Day Pump - This shoe describes a woman's best platonic male friendships. Just as a pump is a very standard, practical shoe that one might wear to a general nine to five, The Pump is a basic type brother who maybe works with you everyday, listens to you complain about how much you hate your boss, and offers good male advice. The Pump will loan you a dollar for a soda, and will change your car tire for you if you don't have Triple A. The thing to remember about The Pump however is that although your relationship with him is purely platonic, he appreciates your finer qualities, finds you attractive, and is not above taking some if you offer. He may from time to time express that he doesn't know why your boyfriend is trippin' because he would date you in a heart beat if given the chance.
The Flip-Flop - Flip-Flops make a lot of noise, but offer no true protection for the foot. If you drop a can of sliced peaches on your foot while wearing a simple flip-flop, no matter how sweet the peaches may be, you can kiss your pretty little toes goodbye. The Flip-Flop man is much like this shoe. He constantly confesses that he loves you, and you're the woman of his dreams and he can't live without you, and one day the two of you will do this and have that. He's just full of empty promises and future commitment dates, but when it all boils down to it, talk is cheap. Just like that can falling on your toes would have you screaming out in pain, messing with a Flip-Flop will ultimately lead to painful heartbreak if you're not careful.
The Winter Boot - Every girl has had at least one pair, the boot that once on, it takes the help of another individual (usually a sister or best girlfriend – and sometimes a brother) to get it off. Many sisters have taken a hard push in the behind because of this type of shoe. The Winter Boot is the man you just can't seem to get rid of, no matter how hard you try. Simply saying, 'I'm not interested' is not enough for this man. Nor is cussing him out, talking about him behind his back or to his face, telling everybody that he's gay, purposely letting his dog run away, or accidentally wrecking his car. He's crazy about you and will stop at almost nothing to have you. The only thing that will stop this man is your (or his) being committed to someone else. However, as soon as you become free again, he will be right there to let you know that he is still awaiting his turn to show you how wonderful life with him could be.
The House Shoe - In the same sense that your house shoes (those slippers spattered with fried chicken grease that make that shick-shick sound when you walk across the kitchen) are only good for things like taking out the trash and checking the mail, you can only see the House Shoe in the comfort and privacy of your own home, because as much as you enjoy his company, he will embarrass the crap out of you if you take him out in public. He does stuff like show up at your company's formal dinner party with his jeans hanging off his behind with a T-shirt four sizes too big underneath a plaid sports coat and greets your boss with a fist pound and a 'W'sup dog. I won't waisin' no money on no boo-gee tux man, cause I cain't be nobody but me.' Or he will take you out on a date, then after eating like a fat king will announce: "Oh snap! I left my wallet at home!" Don't even go to the grocery store with him; House Shoes are for the house only!
The Bedroom Shoe - The Bedroom Shoe is soft, warm, inviting and luxuriously comfortable. You must be extremely careful not to confuse the Bedroom Shoe with the House Shoe – they are indeed different. Although your bedroom shoes should not be worn outside of the house, they are not, I repeat are not for taking out the trash or other around-the-house activities and chores. Bedroom shoes are strictly for pampering, thus bringing relaxation to your entire body. A really good bedroom shoe (both the actual and the man version) will bring the wiggle out of your toes and a moan from your lips. The same way that the bedroom shoe feels good to your very sole, the Bedroom Shoe man feels good to your very soul! Special note – while the House Shoe could be a great Bedroom Shoe, the best Bedroom Shoe should be a Stiletto first (Stiletto description provided below). It is most important to take extreme caution to ensure that Bedroom Shoes do not become House Shoes. Carelessness and overuse for general purposes can cause this to happen very, very quickly.
The Stiletto - The Stiletto is a very sexy shoe . . . tall, makes your calves more appealing, and very versatile. You can wear it with a formal gown, or with a pair of cuffed jeans and a blouse. It draws the attention of other envious shoe-wearers. 'Ooh, girl, those are nice! Where did you get those!?' Now the Stiletto man doesn't necessarily have to be tall, but he must have the same versatility and sex appeal as his shoe counterpart. He has to look good on your arm no matter what the occasion. He can casually hangout at the mall, escort you to a business mixer, and wear a tux like nobody's business. Although you already look good, he makes you look even better . . . with his sexy fine self! (If he is not sexy and fine, no matter how versatile he is, he simply is not a Stiletto.)
The Timberland Boot - The Timberland is a rugged shoe, made for climbing, hiking and roughing it in the wild. It's made to offer the best protection in rocky and uneven terrain. This best describes the Timberland Boot Man; he's rough and wild. He likes to cuss, break up stuff that he didn't pay for, drink forties, and he pledges a strong allegiance to his "boys." He is all about offering protection, as he may own a weapon or two.
The Tennis Shoe - This shoe is a very comfortable shoe which offers support for your soles as you run around the gym, on an outside track, around town from errand stop to errand stop. Your Tennis Shoe man, is just that. While he is supportive, he lacks backbone and will let you run all over him . . . he's not a take charge and take control kind of man at all. It's not nice to take advantage of people, but he makes it so easy!
The Loafer - This casual shoe is perfect for your casual, laid back work days. This is the shoe you choose when you really don't feel much like dressing up. In the same sense, the Loafer man, really doesn't feel like doing much of anything. He's very casual and laid back, complacent, seeming to not be headed anywhere in particular, lacks goals and initiative, but enjoying life at the same time.
The Glass Slipper - Now of course, there is no such thing as a wearable shoe made of glass, (so we have the clear plastic glass look-alike) however if there were, you can imagine that this shoe would be extremely fragile to handle. Great caution would be given to how and where the shoe should and could be worn. The Glass Slipper man, likewise, is extremely fragile and requires constant words of affirmation of how wonderful of a man he is, or else, you don't love him. Anything constructively critical you may say has the propensity to hurt his feelings and shatter his ego. You can barely crack a harmless joke about this man, because he'll take it seriously and before you know it, a stupid argument is underway!
The SlideEasy to slip into; easy to slip out of. That best describes the Slide Man, who is generally so smooth you can't seem to let go of although he slides in and out of your life whenever he gets good and ready. He shows up and says "What's up girl?" and before you know it he's slid back in your bed, then out the door until next time . . . but only because you let him, which is totally your fault.
The Brogan - This shoe is made for working out in the field, which is exactly how the Brogan man presents himself . . . as if he has been in the field all day in the hot, hot sun. Now there is nothing wrong with a hard working man, but can he take a bath first? How about scrub up under those fingernails? All of his undershirts are dingy and yellowed, especially underneath the arms, and let's not even talk about his skid row underwear. But the funny thing about the Brogan man, is he is completely convinced that every woman wants him.
The Flat- This man is so dry and boring that he's almost not worthy of his dictionary space. Well, I take that back . . . he might be incredibly smart and financially savvy. But he has no personality, no style, no wit and no sense of humor (yawn!). Special note: beware of the Flat Broke Flat, who may have style, wit and all that other stuff, but in the memorable words of Gwen Guthrie . . . no romance with out finance.What kind of shoe is your man?
The Perfect Shoe - a novel
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